Three Ways of Knowing
In our modern world, and especially in childbirth preparation, there is so much emphasis placed on gathering all of the information available (which is a lot!). But information is not the ONLY thing parents need to prepare for birth. In BfW, we talk about Three Ways of Knowing and the importance of balancing all three of these ways as we work with parents.
The first way of knowing is primordial knowing: the innate parental instinct.
People have this knowing in their bones, and they can access it when they are not in their thinking minds! However, social conditioning has taught us not to trust or act on our gut knowing until we have “thought it through,” researched it, second guessed it, or checked with others about what they think or would do. One of parents' modern tasks of pregnancy is to first learn to feel their gut instinct and to distinguish this feeling from fleeting fear (or the contagious fear of others). Another task is to awaken the fierce protective parent within who is ready to boldly act on their gut instinct. Instead of trying to “get it right” (which is impossible!), parents need to learn (or remember) to arise in love, doing what needs to be done in the moment, without attachment to outcome.
The second way of knowing is modern knowing: being savvy about contemporary knowledge, research, and facts.
Like it or not, and whether parents are planning to birth at home or in a hospital, one of the modern tasks of birth preparation for all parents is to learn about the medical birth culture in their community. Modern knowing includes holistic preparation for all kinds of possibilities, including inductions, cesarean birth, and navigating through postpartum. This kind of knowing may help parents make decisions prenatally, and also give them a sense of what could happen if those decisions don’t go entirely to plan.
The third way of knowing, inner knowing, or knowing thyself, is the most important.
This should be parents' first priority during preparation for birth as a rite of passage -- and the priority of childbirth mentors in classes, prenatal meetings, appointments, and so on. Before parents can know where they are going, they need to know where they came from and where they stand now, because this informs how they understand and respond to the other ways of knowing. Looking carefully at their own personal histories and current thoughts and feelings can help parents move beyond simply choosing things (books, classes, birth companions, etc.) because they are in alignment with their unexamined assumptions about birth and instead making choices based on what is happening and what they are learning NOW.
Birth preparation in our culture tends to emphasize Modern Knowing, with very little attention to the other ways of knowing. Part of our work as mentors is to bring balance to the ways of knowing by offering parents tasks of preparation that draw on all three. We can start by asking questions that help us get a sense of where people are in their preparation and which way of knowing they are most relying on. From there, we can begin to introduce ideas, concepts, and frameworks that help them expand their approaches.
Some questions we may ask are:
What do I believe or assume to be true about birth, pain, babies, parenting, hospitals, etc.?
From where does this specific belief, assumption, or preference come? (It didn't originate from within your own mind. We are conditioned as children to believe that certain thoughts or preferences demonstrate responsibility, bring us approval, keep us safe, make us more lovable, etc.)
From where does this emotion (e.g. fear, shame, guilt) arise? How do I know to feel this way? How does it help me to feel this way? (This is also a learned pattern.)
What assumption is motivating me to go toward this decision, or away from it?
What is motivating me to read one book, and to avoid another? What is motivating me to avoid certain chapters or topics?
There are three ways of knowing.
Parents benefit in the cultivation of all three during the childbearing year.
Learn how to balance the three ways of knowing, and more, join us for Taming Fear:
